the first tear betrayed me.

and if i die alone
that's fine by me.

i did right by me.

looked out
for me.

you flew past me.

i guess we grew a little too
fastly.

but if it was a problem

you'd look past me.

i'm overreacting

dramatizing

assumption
making

conclusion jumping.

&somehow i thought you'd
understand me.

you're

misunderstanding

judgement passing

overlooking

eye rolling.

you know that's me.

true as i stand.

you still misunderstand.

or you lack the capacity

to accept that i'm a woman

& i'm known to cause a
scene

but as i stood before you

and shared my heart with you

and bared my soul

you let pride intervene

love has no dignity

love knows no pride

love doesn't know the hurt i've
seen

rather, i had not seen

the first tear betrayed me.

i fought it back with every might.

but i cried another night.

& you resented my tears

the first sign that its come to
end

but love won't allow us to just be
friends

i needed away out

you and i are no longer

who we were

but lets be sure

after 15 months

i've cried enough

but it was the first tear

that betrayed me

gave away me

turned against me

the last tear

failed me

failed to console me

& i had the courage

to trust another

to love the whole me

love and hold me

relationships must not be for
me

love didn't love me

how fucked up can love be

never again for me

and if i die alone that's fine by
me

rest in peace love

looks like its only you and me.

♥

no heart is beyond repair. i love timothy wayne haley jr. and he could break my heart evey day and i would still love him just as much.

new me meet the old me

ok... i'm thinking the old me needs to meet the new me... the midnight blogger me needs to me the drunken monkey me. lets set up an appointment for my two personas to collide.

but honestly, there is a lot of things in this new world that i have let slide. alot of things that i have done that i've said that i'll never do... don't get me wrong bitches. its still the same me. i have not lost an ounce of my level-headedness, but when i asked for progress i began to digresss.

its stressin me how, things don't work the way that they used to anymore. if i'm a better me today than i was yesterday why the fuck aren't i a happier me? how does that work. its a cold twisted world. and success is like a deal with the devil... everything comes at a price, and nothing is perfect.

remember that, if anything, you will always have the love and support of good friends and great family to fall back on... oops, nope you won't have that either. because if you are successful enough, but not smart enough, your family will become more and more of a burden, and your friends will become your entourage. some people will be there some of the time, but not everyone you love and care about will truly be there all of the time.

the sad truth is that, i've forgotten why the old me was made that way... yes i was made... i was made into a woman with little patience, strong presence, and outgoing personality... i blame it on the life experiences that have taught me to be the person i am unapologetically.

so here i am asking myself why change? why aim for success? why stresss to be a better person? its all good in theory but its not me, and i can't apologize for being me. i will progresss.. i will not be the same woman tomorrow as i was today, but i just needed to get that off my chest.

in 2006 i took no shit, in 2007 i did some alot of shit, in 2008 i took some shit and got into less shit and in 2009 i plan to do what i want and get what i want the old fashioned way without totally and completely losing the person that i strived to be. why waste all the hard work?

A story to tell... notorious r.e.e.s.i.e... ok ok. its biggie.

Oh yes darling, the moment that I've patiently awaited since that gloomy day in 1997... the day that Biggie returns. Although I was just a child of no more than nine years of age, Biggie was my Elvis, and I simply would not accept that he wasn't with us anymore.

Young & naive,
I questioned how his albums were still selling if he was not alive; How he and tupac were releasing new singles as if the radio and the hip hop world hadn't mourned their deaths for days. And now Jamal "Gravy" Woolard is faced with the undeniably difficult task of portraying him.

Somebody cut Gravy a break! Are you serious?! Most don't recieve a biopic until well after they are dead and gone, but Christopher Wallace's mother wanted it to happen before she too saw her last days. But honestly, so soon? I know everyone is done mourning but if this movie is not done just right, according to the fans, all whom were involved will be crucified and burried... take a look at this man, and tell me who can walk in his shoes.

At the end of the day, we can say that biggie was just a regular nigga. But seriously, take into account that most of the people portrayed in the film, and whom knew him personally are still alive and kicking! I mean I always say that if I were to have a movie made about my life that I would have Beyonce play me, Denzel Washington play my father, and... well yeah, shit like this doesn't usually happen in your lifetime! But Diddy, Faith, Mrs. Wallace, lil Kim, and many more... will actually get to see it through.

However, some are not as satisfied with their portrayal than others (ahem... Kim). But what I'm trying to say is that Notorious was simply to tell the story of Biggie/Christopher Wallace/ the Notorious B.I.G. and that is hard for his fans whom saw him in concert, his children, his family, friends and his associates. It's unreal to believe that it's been ten years, and that perhaps through this film his spirit will be captured eternally on screen.

There is also so controversy surrounding the fact that lil kim had little to no involvement in the creation of the film. Personally I'm laughing at the thought.

Okay so this is what former mistress and junior mafia member had to say 2WEEKS before the premiere... (I swear everyone wants a piece of the BIGGIE pie, go on kimmy, get your shine/ 5 seconds of fame off of big, again!)

"Rapper Lil' Kim is speaking out about her discontent with the 'Notorious' biopic chronicling the life of friend and lover Notorious B.I.G. The film, which hits theaters in two weeks, shows the relationship between the rapper and Biggie as being very different from that of the one with his wife, singer Faith Evans. Kim blames Biggie's mother, Voletta Wallace, and Evans for what she sees as an inaccurate depiction. "I've had enough and I'm about to expose them both ... I've been quiet for a long time," Kim said in an interview. "I'm very disappointed in Faith," she said. "There's nothing Faith or Ms. Wallace could do to stop me from reppin' B.I.G. all day. I'm [going to] always do that... It's time for Ms. Wallace to be exposed.""

Seriously, though, Kim has no shame. She knows that she had a relationship with Big, and was never formally committed to him as his wife, nor his girlfriend... so for real, by making these outbursts, she's only making herself look like she was his money hungry hoe, thirsty for some attention. Why else would she try to "expose" Biggie's closest women before their grand premiere.

When Faith spoke on it, she said she had nothing to do with the way that Kim was portrayed... she did not write the story. LOL. She don't want that beef with Kim no more... but Kim is clearly ready to fight over a dead man, and disrespect his jamaican mother... watch your back Kim. You may be from brooklyn, but she's from kingston!

Well anyway thus far, the best portrayal of the junior mafia clan to date...

One life to live

Okay, so we have one life to live, with that being said, I say live every day to the fullest, live without regrets! I mean that may not be spending every saturday at that club, but I for damned sure will not waste moments saying damn, it would've been better if I was with so and so, or popped a bottle, or whatever...

everyone who knows me knows that I'm a drama queen so there are very few dull moments in my life... even still... there are regrets. So I plan to live my life the way that I want to... I'm going to drink alot, I'm going to watch lots of movies, I'm going to stay out late, I'm going to dance on tables, I'm going to go on tons of trips, I'm going to take lots of pictures, and I'm going to do it because I want to, bitches. :)

Okay, so I was on my darling Amy's page and I came across the link for this note posted by a man that you may or may not find humourous. Honestly, I found it funny, I just think that if women spent that much time altering themselves to fit the ideal female that these men have described there would be a whole lot of cheating ass peopel in this world. If we were all perfect it would honestly be that much easier to give into temptation and or lose interest in our significant other because they have the same qualities and characteristics as the next girl.

SO please do not use this as a guide to landing that jerk that is just not that into you... and yes i plan on seeing the movie.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=795630108&ref=ts#/note.php?note_id=42254318685

LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO, NOT ACCORDING TO ANYONE ELSE... OH YES AND BLAME IT ON THE ALCOHOL...

personal achievement vs. saving the world.

Ok. I fell off for a week or so, but I'm back in 2009 with avengence.

So while everyone was recapping and reviewing two thousand and eight. I was getting a jump start on my resolution. It takes me a while to come up with these things, because do tend to be scatter brained and unfocused.

While pondering the ways in which I plan to take 2009 to a level putting shame to 2008, I realized that my resolutions are rarely ever to strive for personal achievements. Which to most, is very uncommon.

The typical new years resolution: quit smoking, lose 15 pounds, go to chuch again, party harder, earn more money, buy that house/ car or whatever it was you didn't have the balls to buy, become the president/ VP/ CEO/ founder/ MVP of something or another...

Okay, as "realistic" as most of your ambitions are... is it really fair that we continue to base our holiday seasons around ourselves?? I mean its the fucking twenty-first century (excuse my french) but we give out the bomb gifts because we hope to get the bomb gifts in return, or some sort of gratification. We anticipate gifts that we wouldn't have possibly purchased for ourselves or splurge on them during the holiday sale season. We ignore that fact that several hundred thousands are homeless, hungry, and without anything for the holidays. And yet, still cook up meals that we find ourselves unable to consume until after Martin Luther King day (hey, January 15th people it's coming up, pay attention!) Then, as if that is not enough, we toast to the year, where we could have done much more than become a "positive member of the community", the year that we damn near ignored our community for the sake of personal achievemnent.

Not all personal achievements are sins! Please don't get me wrong, because I set goals for myself every 6 months. However, the long term goal, and my ultimate resolution is to do much better for the world. I plan to help as many people as I can on a daily basis, whether its a homeless man on the street or a classmate struggling to get by. And that's real. I'm no saint which is all the more reason why I make it my resolution every year.

I'm a role model to my younger cousins and little brother; I try to help my family and friends in any way that I can; I participate in volunteer services every now and then, but on a small scale which I know that I can handle as a broke college student. I know that I can not save the world... alone, but I do plan to leave my mark bitches.

I plan to change someone's life one of these days, and do for others what my parents and god parents have d0ne for practically my whole life... I plan to save someone, and change my world. I don't feel too passionate about this subject to ignore constructive criticism. COMMENT.